Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Hey, You Look Like Jesus!

I was straddling my bike with my toes touching the pavement, stopped, waiting for a chance to cross the street. And then came the idiots.

Now, having long hair and a beard has taught me that idiots assume I have marijuana, or can have marijuana with the snap of a finger. I mean that is the case, right? Long hair and bearded face are the prerequisites for marijuana professionalism. Ergo, I am a marijuana professional.

So, anyway, then came the idiots. They pulled up next to me in a beat-up, rumbly Japanese pickup truck and rolled down their window. I heard the window creak down its tracks, the stereo's volume decrease, and the idiotic breath of a group of idiots breathing in a staccato, daffy manner. Really, I could feel the air around me getting stupider. I am convinced that idiot's breath has a profound effect on the molecular make-up of the air we breathe. Careful who you surround yourself with. I slowly turned my head toward the source of idiot-flow and glazed them over. I counted three idiots on this occasion, and I had seen them around town before. I took note that they were idiots the last time I saw them, too. Anyway, I stared at the idiots for a few seconds more then the leader idiot gave me the universal, non-verbal sign for "Do you have any weed?" It's the one where you bring your index finger and thumb close together and pinch the air as if there was a blunt in between them and then bring the formation close to pursed lips, suck in air, and bob your head up and down stupidly.

Leader idiot waited for my response.

I continued staring at them, face stiff, statuesque and dry. And then I smiled. I flashed my teeth. I smiled big and wide. And then I joined in on the idiotic head-bobbing game. I didn't utter a word, not even a sound. Smile. Bob up. Bob down. Smile. Up. Down. Smile. I don't know why I decided to do this, but I did it for probably ten seconds without losing character. They stopped looking so idiotic for a second, and then turned to each other, furled their brows in semi-confusion, and laughed idiotically again. Leader idiot gassed it and off they went. I kept bobbing and smiling until they were well down the street.

Yeah, that's how a real marijuana professional takes care of "business." I feel bad that I didn't have any weed for them, though. I am totally throwing people off. . .

9 comments:

T.S.B. said...

What I want to know is why Jesus looks like a pothead.

JeffreyLocke said...

Or, rather, why do potheads look like Jesus?

Levi Bagdanov said...

Or, rather, why do potheads look like Jesus?

T.S.B. said...

Do you two really think exactly alike, even down to syntax?

JeffreyLocke said...

We do, Tim, but I tend to think the shared thought about four hours before Levi thinks it.

jamiesimko said...

"ahhhhhh, you know you guys got some kush"

Levi Bagdanov said...

We do, Tim, but I tend to think the shared thought about four hours (or six days) after jeff thinks it.

jessicagrady said...

hahahahaa

always enjoy your stories, jeffrey :)

JeffreyLocke said...

Levi, you are so annoying.

Jess, thanks a million!

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I am recent graduate just looking at the dirt, writing about it.